The Irascible Chef

Something was left out of the book All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten by Robert Fulghum. It doesn’t matter how old you get, adults behave the same way they did when they were a child in grade school. Scenarios and situations might be slightly different, but the responses and human nature don’t really change all that much. Maybe people need to learn a few more things than what they did in Kindergarten.

Did you ever hear the one about the chaperones, who take a bunch of junior high students, on an airplane for an educational trip across the country for a week? Goes something like this:

Flight attendants served the kids Red Bull and Fuel Energy drinks before anyone could stop them. And they arrived at the airport with bags of candy and Starbucks coffee, with an arsenal of electronics to beat the band. Oh, students are in the 8th grade—which means they’re 13-14 years old and going on their first coed sleep away (3000 miles from home), school sponsored, no parents, just their friends, a few teachers, candy, coffee, super caffeine drinks, electronics, their unchecked hormones, and their “I’m in 8th grade,” I’m the top dog, we need to test the fence attitude.

So when a pen went flying across the aisle for transportational expediency the chaperones had to respond. It wasn’t okay the first time or when the same person did it again 2 minutes later after being told not to… “I’m sorry,” was the standard response and such an easy out.

One kid climbed, literally climbed on top of the arm rests to traverse over 2 other passengers and when asked, would you do that when you’re traveling with your parents, to which the reply was, “Yea-aah,” with contemptuous head bob.
Chaperone: “Well, it’s still not okay to do.”
Student: “Sorry! Geez!”

That would never happen in the real world with adults… Right.

The flight I’m on right now which was already delayed because of who-knows-what—flight arrived late, unloading, restocking, and cleaning, equipment issues, blah blah blah… and then while we’re waiting for the arming of doors, cell phones to be turned off, instructions if we land in the sea, or my personal favorite—seat belt instructions…, there’s this barking. Not barking orders like, if you don’t sit down we can’t take-off, or this is a nonsmoking flight (is there any other fucking kind?) don’t disable the smoke detectors (because without a smoke detector we wouldn’t know if someone was breaking the rules in the one foot by one foot pisser— maybe its that they know the intelligence of the average smoker—“maybe nobody will notice if I smoked a cigarette”) No, it’s the barking that’s coming from a small and… actually it’s not barking at all, it’s more like squeaking. The noise a rat makes when caught in one of those adhesive traps, laying on its side squirming, getting more stuck with that little dribble of blood coming out—stupid rat believes there’s a chance of escape. “Bark, woof, squeak,” the heads start turning and bending, followed by the comments, “WTF! Is that a dog? Who has a dog on a plane?” Finally, a flight attendant tells the woman who smuggled the rat, I mean dog in her purse onto a plane that she can’t have a loose dog on a plane, without a carrier, without a paid seat, the dog needs to go below. Riddle me this, Batman: How did she get the damn dog (and I’m being generous) on a plane in the first place?

Flight attendant: “I’m going to have to ask you to come with me.”
Smuggler: “No, I will not.”

Oh-no, this is going to cause further delays! Oh-boy this is going to be good! Police, or maybe even the undercover Federal Marshals—dragging, kicking, screaming… After all this could be some kind of trained attack dog waiting till we’re airborne, a coordinated effort, or even a test of the system—it’s possible!

Meeting in the front of the plane, possible caving on policy, posse retuning. Power in numbers.

The waterworks start and then the “I was told by someone who was told by so-in-so, who is the son of a sailor man,” excuses.
Followed by, “I’m sorry that’s what you were told by the dog doesn’t ride on the inside of the plane and you need to follow me now.”
Smuggler: “NO, it’s not fair.”
Flight attendant: “Ma’am, it’s not fair to everyone on this flight.”
Smuggler: “No, it’s not fair to me.”

Let’s see, she sneaks a dog on a plane, lets the dog out of her handbag (on the floor), (the fact that she snuck the dog on is proof enough she knows it’s wrong,) and it’s not fair to her. What century is she living? Is she aware that you don’t pull stunts on airplanes or argue with flight attendants???

Flight attendant: “Last chance.”

Will there be news at 11? Will I be interviewed? Will I have more of a story to tell?

Nah, she got up, no one even clapped or thanked her. And it was over.

After take-off the guy sitting in front of me (aisle seat), who is actually sitting on my lap when he put his seat back, gets up to go to the bathroom. And the woman sitting in his row next to the window climbs up on top, feet on the armrests, and walks over the person sitting next to her and knocks over the guys drink… She says I’m glad he wasn’t here to see that as she’s trying to straighten his area before he comes back…

It doesn’t matter if you’re in 8th grade or 45…

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